14:40
Desde Mexico City
Dear Bigtown City, USA,
Taking the scenic route in America is a great way to gain a different perspective of the very country that you live in. Before you know it, instead of your usual highway monotony: Target, Walmart, Best Buy -> repeat. You'll find yourself meandering through picturesque countrysides, open fields and dainty personable towns. All at a decent clip; very much comparable to Google's first recommendation for you. But stop to step inside a diner for a quick Ruben and all the eyes will fall on you.
“Yer not from around here, are yeh?”
They can smell it. The urban. It's eeking out of your pores. It's almost as if you're... WEARING it. Oh, wait, no - that's deodorant.
Now, City Slickers are notorious cliché factories whenever they stray from the beaten trail. They get overcharged and poked fun at for their new-fangled ways. But I'm not from the country. And I'm not from a big city, either. I'm from something in between and cities tend to freak me out. The People Hive is a remarkable and inspiring chandelier. But it dangles on a fraying string. Poorly managed, the string will snap, and I do not want to be there for that shit storm. It's gonna get ugly. Instead, I'll probably be kicking it somewhere by the beach. Come hang out. First cocorita on me.
So this post is for all of you who need a little help with the *ahem* essentials in city survival.
...
...
Transportation
Don't
bring a car to a city! What are you, crazy?! You're just a glutton
for commitment aren't you? Now you've got to pay to park it
everywhere, worry about getting lost, and hope your insurance co. covers two or three active games of bumper cars. If you really need a personal vehicle and you think you can handle it, I recommend ZipCar as a decent option. Less Responsibility = More Fun. Hopefully they offer it in your Hive.
But for the most part, do
yourself a favor and leave the wheels behind. If you really want to get a dose of the local bell curve - use the metro. You'll push past any previous public inhibitions and jump right in with the rest of 'em. Cram into a hot germ tube and subject yourself to a nonstop set list of involuntary entertainment. Singers and slingers. Blasting twenty second bits of last year's hits through a transmografied black backpacks; ten pesos for a mix CD. Up next is an American Idol wannabee and The Toothless Wonders! That's right. The public. They smell. You may as well get it out of the way.
Excluding odors, the metro is an extremely affordable and great way to get a pulse on the vibe of whatever hive you find yourself in. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
...
Armor
Headphones – even if you're not listening to anything. It keeps one or two of the crazies at a safe distance. In fact, I prefer not listening to anything. That way I can appear oblivious all while remaining completely alert. Zombies...
Sunglasses - Your CRAY-dar just went up ten points. Now you can watch them without them knowing. Use that peripheral vision to the best of your abilities. Hola, ladies.
These
two tools are your staples. Your bread and butter, baby. Don't leave home without 'em. With these pieces of survival gear you will keep all but the most adamant street hecklers at bay. Also, footwear. Something comfortable you can put a lot of miles down in. Loose enough to be comfy but tight enough for a quick sprint or a well-placed roundhouse.
...
Assholes
...
Assholes
Poster bill propagandists (or PBP's) thrive on the meager commission they receive from soul-sucking
agendas. They only want your attention... DON'T feed them!
Rule Number one: Avoid eye contact.
Rule Number two: Do not talk to them. It only encourages them.
Rule Number three: As a last resort, kick them. They're not people. Just evil holograms! Roundhouse HYAH!
Evangalists - I'm sorry dude, but this is the twenty-first century. You're not going to out-think my years of scientific research and reasoning. Take your Kool-Aid somewhere else. Plus, I don't like Lime, anyway. You got any grape?
...
Angels
Ok, not really angels. But talk to a homeless person. Have a real conversation. You'll be amazed what you learn. Get ready for some straight up street philosophy.
...
Poaching
WiFi
Step one, choose a vector. Step two, walk one block that direction. Step three, enter or sit outside the Starbucks.
Here's a fun activity. Once fully tapped into a wireless connection, pull up google maps and type in “Starbucks”. Google will then splatter your screen with about two hundred red dots indicating the dwelling places of aforementioned yuppie watering holes.
If you're not in Seattle, consider squatting near a Motel 6 or Apartment complex. They don't all have passwords and one of those babies is a winner.
Step one, choose a vector. Step two, walk one block that direction. Step three, enter or sit outside the Starbucks.
Here's a fun activity. Once fully tapped into a wireless connection, pull up google maps and type in “Starbucks”. Google will then splatter your screen with about two hundred red dots indicating the dwelling places of aforementioned yuppie watering holes.
If you're not in Seattle, consider squatting near a Motel 6 or Apartment complex. They don't all have passwords and one of those babies is a winner.
...
Food
Grocery Stores are of course the cheapest subsistence option. Sometimes I just buy a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and maybe some fruit. But I get sick of that course pretty quick. Instead, I always opt to seek out decently affordable and delicious food. Street food is a personal fave. The goal is to get the most bang for your buck. And by buck what I really mean is "calories". City food is expensive! Ten bucks for a sandwich? Are you kidding me? We're going to have to get creative in order to make up for this heretical robbery.
When someone asks you if you'd like condiments - The answer is: YES.
Which ones? Yes.
Get as much food out of that pissed off wage slave as you possibly can. But always tip well. Free refills?
Get as much food out of that pissed off wage slave as you possibly can. But always tip well. Free refills?
Go for the grease! It's delicious AND it'll give you the energy you need to hunt a pigeon. Don't be picky. Be thrifty. Forget about your figure. Pop a vitamin! You'll walk it off.
...
Public Urination
Peeing
in the city... What a glorious expression of man's conquest over nature. "Look at what we made! We took earth, melted and molded it and created an incredible artificial organism. And now I'm going to pee on it." It's like Michelangelo throwing his hammer at David's foot, "LIVE!"
I usually just pee outside. Who made up this silly rule that you have to pee inside anyway. It's ridiculous, right? And that's why I'm providing you, the people, with this educational tutorial.
* Disclaimer *
I am a male, and this is not a sexist tutorial. Merely, anatomically biased. I am open to any and all alternative addenda to the Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Urinica. In my time I have witnessed (involuntarily) awe inspiring acts of female acrobatics to accomplish this common goal. You've really gotta hand it to them because they do not have the home field advantage.
I usually just pee outside. Who made up this silly rule that you have to pee inside anyway. It's ridiculous, right? And that's why I'm providing you, the people, with this educational tutorial.
* Disclaimer *
I am a male, and this is not a sexist tutorial. Merely, anatomically biased. I am open to any and all alternative addenda to the Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Urinica. In my time I have witnessed (involuntarily) awe inspiring acts of female acrobatics to accomplish this common goal. You've really gotta hand it to them because they do not have the home field advantage.
Anatomical realities considered, the following should only be attempted by people outfitted with one of the following capabilities:
- A fully functioning and variably pressurized wiener.
And/Or
- Telekenisis
(Bonus points for both.)
...
Things to avoid:
1. Coffee
2. Soft Drinks
3. Alcohol
4. Large Smoothies
5. Herpes (irrelevant, but handy nonetheless)
Ok, so given the fact that we're all going to violate at least numbers 1-3 on that list - AND considering the fact that you're going to need that smoothie to sooth your scorching case of herpes - we'll waste no more time!
...
Location, Location, Location
Cities keep toilets like a dragon keeps a princess. They will be held hostage in the highest room of the tallest tower. Once you have established the unmistakable and immediate desire to relieve yourself be prepared to battle poorly proportioned rent-a-cops, depressingly hopeful dead ends, and outright rejection. If you find yourself both able and willing to slay these beasts - May the force be with you and steer clear of these definite Uh-uh's.
For those "on the go" moments, please consider the following points.
...
Places
to avoid
- Rape Alley - I thought the name would give it away... No? There's a limit on how dark a hole I'm willing to crawl in for privacy. Basically, if it's a hole and it's that dark it probably belongs to whoever peed in there first. If you can smell it before you can see it, it's not your kind of party.
- Windy places - Be a weather vane, young grasshopper. Do not fight the wind. You cannot hit it. But it can hit back. Do NOT back yourself into a corner. Check, and mate.
- Restrooms - When there's more on the ground than in the pipes, it's time to find another baño. Chances are, one slip here and the last thing you'll remember (before waking up in man made puddle) is an onslaught of grammatically incorrect graffiti and corresponding referenced netherparts. Peeing indoors is overrated. Follow me! And I'll show you a wonderful world of magical alternatives! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- Windy places - Be a weather vane, young grasshopper. Do not fight the wind. You cannot hit it. But it can hit back. Do NOT back yourself into a corner. Check, and mate.
- Restrooms - When there's more on the ground than in the pipes, it's time to find another baño. Chances are, one slip here and the last thing you'll remember (before waking up in man made puddle) is an onslaught of grammatically incorrect graffiti and corresponding referenced netherparts. Peeing indoors is overrated. Follow me! And I'll show you a wonderful world of magical alternatives! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
...
Places
to seek out:
- Parks - Preferably with plenty of vegetative cover, poor lighting and
undulating terrain. Grass takes a lot of the sound out the activity. And also the challenge. Push yourself!
- Vantage points - It's fun to pee off a cliff. It's really fun to pee off a balcony. Aim to maim. Not to kill. Hit the ground. Not the lawsuits.
- Fountains! - It's late at night. Nobodies looking... And cover sound is already in place!
...
Pride
- Vantage points - It's fun to pee off a cliff. It's really fun to pee off a balcony. Aim to maim. Not to kill. Hit the ground. Not the lawsuits.
- Fountains! - It's late at night. Nobodies looking... And cover sound is already in place!
...
Pride
Take
a moment to contextually rationalize your actions. You are about to do something AWESOME. Be careful to
understand all possible permutations to the end of the following sentence:
Well, at least I've never been _______... Some options include:
Well, at least I've never been _______... Some options include:
- Fired
- Arrested
- Violated
- On Youtube
You get the point. The goal throughout this entire adventure is to have fun! Get creative! But don't get caught.
...
Style Points
So now you know the drill and you want to kick it up a notch. I've got just what you're looking for! Here are a few trick moves you can do to send the message that "This ain't your first rodeo". Unless otherwise denoted, all positions listed may be preformed with any zipper-bearing leggings. Or, if you're wearing a kilt... Well. If you're wearing a kilt, you're probably not in a city, are you?
...
Style Points
So now you know the drill and you want to kick it up a notch. I've got just what you're looking for! Here are a few trick moves you can do to send the message that "This ain't your first rodeo". Unless otherwise denoted, all positions listed may be preformed with any zipper-bearing leggings. Or, if you're wearing a kilt... Well. If you're wearing a kilt, you're probably not in a city, are you?
The Playboy (10 points) - Ah! A classic! And so easy to do.
Simply recline to one side, prop your head up with one hand and use the other to water the grass in front of you. Once finished, it might be time to find a new reading spot. This one's attracting flies.
Simply recline to one side, prop your head up with one hand and use the other to water the grass in front of you. Once finished, it might be time to find a new reading spot. This one's attracting flies.
The Penitent Man (20 points) - Super simple but a little more daring.
For this position, start out with in a standard Monica Lewinsky stance and slowly tuck, turn and trickle. That's the real ticket here, folks. Remember to tuck, turn, and trickle.
(For five bonus points - Aim towards Mecca = The Penitent Muslim variation)
For this position, start out with in a standard Monica Lewinsky stance and slowly tuck, turn and trickle. That's the real ticket here, folks. Remember to tuck, turn, and trickle.
(For five bonus points - Aim towards Mecca = The Penitent Muslim variation)
The Dubbed Step – Kneel like as you would a squire being knighted. "I dub thee, Sir Leaksalot." Set your gaze on a far off, distant goal and utilize Dr. Schnitzel's patented "pant leg pull through" technique. Pick the leg that's aiming towards the ground.
The Gutterball (100 points) - Shorts recommended.
To complete this number seat yourself on an uninhabited curb; preferably with a drain. I recommend finding a newspaper or any other large piece of literature to really bring the ensemble together. Remember the three T's? Use them!
To complete this number seat yourself on an uninhabited curb; preferably with a drain. I recommend finding a newspaper or any other large piece of literature to really bring the ensemble together. Remember the three T's? Use them!
The Last Chance (200 points) - You can't hold it anymore. Anywhere will do.
Find the nearest vertical surface you can. Many people call these walls. Assume a standing "Playboy" posture and take your cellphone out to "make a call". Utilize your other hand to facilitate the procedure. Close the angle between yourself and the wall to at least forty-five degrees. Once confident with your stance, take a deep breath, and think happy thoughts. Watch the shoes. Those are leather.
Now, before
committing to a specific style, please try all options and consider the following environmental analysis:
(Remember,
this is a survival situation.)
Where
am I?
What
am I wearing?
Who
am I? (Table this, Nietzsche. Right now you need to pee.)
What's
around me?
What
time of day is it?
How
drunk am I?
How
flexible am I?
What
is the temperature like? (Steam is a dead giveaway. Nothing says "public
urination" like your own personal piss cloud.)
What
resources can I use to my advantage?
How much am I... Uh... Working with here? Is it a club or a nub?
These facts, though possibly humorous to the amateur, figure in quite considerably when selecting the proper time AND place to make your debut drain. Remember life's short. Live a little. So eat dessert first and pee outside!
...
The Art of Urban Peeing is a rapidly growing sport with a burgeoning participating public. Keep up to date with the latest and greatest trends here! Or submit your own style! In order to be accepted valid suggestions should be submitted alongside a witty title, brief operating instructions and crudely drawn stick figures. See previous submissions below.
 | |
|
No comments:
Post a Comment